… not smoke, fire…

… about the debt ceiling fight, 45’s control of the Republican Party, the efforts of a hyper-radicalized minority to seize control of the country…

… we are heading towards a full bore constitutional crisis that will play out in the next two election cycles… 2022 will give us a good idea of where the country stands…

… Democrats have the power to reign it in, if they become willing to alter, limit or abolish the filibuster… so far they have not been willing to do that, but the debt ceiling will present itself as a continued battle in December that may require it… will Senators Sinema and Manchin get on board?… or will they go down in history as the two senators that could have stopped authoritarian rule but didn’t?…

… the country has been to this kind of precipice before… the last time a civil war broke out…

… it seems we come to the precipice periodically and manage to preserve democracy, albeit at great cost… will it be preserved now?… hard to know…

I’m a professor of American history. This is a chronicle of today’s political landscape, but because you can’t get a grip on today’s politics without an outline of America’s Constitution, and laws, and the economy, and social customs, this newsletter explores what it means, and what it has meant, to be an American.¹

… a friend wrote on FB that his day gets off to a good or bad start depending on what Heather Cox Richardson has to say… the above is from her about page… you can subscribe to her six, sometimes seven days a week posts here… she says, in her one paragraph personal statement, that she believes in Democracy “despite its frequent failures”²… at the present time, this makes her liberal… in fact, i would argue that believing in democracy is becoming a radical act… would be authoritarian rulers are gaming the democratic system at home in an effort to overturn it, all the while claiming they are protecting the “American way of life”… authoritarian regimes around the planet are betting that it isn’t facile enough to keep up with the rapid pace of technological and social change…

… following my FB friend’s lead, reading HCR has become a daily habit… i started including daily HCR meter statements with some commentary a while back… i have decide to separate them out into their own daily post…

… this morning HCR discusses the noose that is trying to close around 45 and high level figures in his administration… is accountability coming?… i don’t know… i would like to think so, but the inability of congress to impeach 45 and the failure of the Muller report to lead to any repercussions for 45 and his cronies has made me skeptical that our systems of accountability is up to the challenge of wealthy and well connected individuals… at this point i see the main purpose of our justice system as keeping the “little people” in line while the rich and powerful do whatever they want… this is not a particularly new observation, it’s just that it has only recently become apparent to me… my blindness results from my white middle class maleness… i want to be proven wrong… i hope i am proven wrong…

First Thoughts

… in the end we all fail… we fail because we all die and staying alive has been the point all along…

… last night i found myself wishing i had the energy to write an end of day journal entry… it seems days should begin and end with some thoughts about how things are, how things went and how i hope they might go tomorrow… or perhaps some commentary on the political shit show… or perhaps i will have read or accomplished something significant…

… which i did in the sense that whenever you keep life in order something significant has happened…

… yesterday i got up, wrote in my journal, read and wrote in my journal some more, went for my photowalk, made breakfast, sorted out some bill paying issues, edited some photographs, did the laundry, did some more photo editing, made a lovely and very tasty dinner… then we watched a couple of episodes of Maid, a Netflix series we like… except, i get really frustrated with the young woman protagonist who’s life continuously falls apart as soon as it’s put together… she makes bad choices (as much as i know free will is a questionable proposition, it seems i continue to believe there are choices to be consciously made)… almost everyone in her life is a disaster and their disasters constantly overtake her too… last night i had to turn it off i got so angry with her… when i like a program series i get emotionally invested in the characters… i especially get invested in characters struggling against the odds, the underdog characters — i know, me and the rest of humanity — who triumph in spite of all the beatings they take from the cosmos because, never-the-less, they persist and something does come of it…

… i suppose human mythology contains plenty of warnings that in life we don’t prevail… Job or Sisyphus, or just plain every man or woman as represented by Willie Loman in death of a salesman and Blanche DuBois in streetcar named desire…

… this hero’s journey thing is pretty engrained in our psyches… i expect it has a survival of the species purpose… we all need to see ourselves as heroes prevailing against the cosmic headwinds of life… except, so many of us get to the end and we are disappointed with the results of our efforts… we ask ourselves what it all meant and the answer to that question is not satisfying… i wonder if it is any more satisfying for an individual who can say their lives truly made a difference to humanity, Einstein, Jonas Salk, Newton, Simone De Beauvoir… maybe not… in the end we all fail… we fail because we all die and staying alive has been the point all along…

… when i review my life i realize i have generally had it good… i have never been destitute… i didn’t and don’t live in a war torn or third world country (yet)… i have made choices that didn’t go well, but always struggled with the results and turned them out as well as i could which was generally in a positive direction…

… at this place in my life my only big complaint is that it should have meant more in the grand scheme of things… my minor complaint is that i was saddled with a very inadequate human being for a father… the repercussions of that were extensive though M and siblings put the better face on it… M observed to me recently that we were “such polar opposites”… we were… how’s that for bad Karma?… to be saddled with a child who’s every choice in life seems to be a repudiation of the way you lived yours?… i suppose it’s something of an accomplishment to get to a place where i accepted there would never be a decent relationship between us, and there never was…

… the HCR meter today was in positive territory i suppose… the debt ceiling got raised, the stock market rebounded, there continue to be revelations about January 06, 2021 and 45’s administration… i would like to believe there will be accountability in the end, but 45’s impeachment trials put an end to my belief in our republic’s ability to enforce consequences on the rich and/or powerful… the system is rigged in their favor and exists principally to keep the common folk in order…

First Thoughts

we should make what we make and let the cosmos decide what will come of it…

… i have began to reorganize my photography web presence… i pointed studiombk.com away from my current Wordpress site and back to my old Adobe Portfolio site… the reason i had moved to a Wordpress site was to be able to keep a live journal (called “Daybook”) in an easier way… then i started using Ulysses as a writing tool, which led me to micro.blog which quickly became my journaling outlet, now called Notes On Attention Paid… once that was done, i went to set up Plausible Analytics with it and discovered a rub… i couldn’t track activity on the Adobe Portfolio site without using Google Analytics, which has become part of the evil big tech empire in my opinion… moreover, the use of Google Analytics required a banner saying so with a button that forced a visitor to opt in to being tracked… i found a lot of people wouldn’t do that and the bounce rate on the site was higher because of it… i will fly with no tracking… it caused me irritation when there wasn’t much traffic (there never has been to any of the various sites i have maintained over the years)… it also had a tendency to influence content, if they liked that i will do more of that… this is not what art production should be grounded in… we should make what we make and let the cosmos decide what will come of it…

… HCR meter, a step back from the precipice, for the time being anyway… Mitch McConnel will allow the Dems to raise the debt ceiling until December… which will clear the way for them to pass the infrastructure bills they have been hammering out… good news, i suppose, though i had been hoping the situation would get so dire they would do away with the filibuster… the time is long gone when a minority party should be able to stop legislation that is popular but which some don’t like… i am willing to fly with no filibuster for anything… if we use the freedom to pass some voting rights legislation, democracy will be in control for a long time…

… yesterday felt a little more disjointed in the things accomplished… still, a steady list of things to be done is being worked through and i feel good about it… i only wish that H did more to help… they spend much of the day communicating with friends and acquaintances on FB and Instagram, with the news playing in the background… i move on with the variety of things i want to see done… maybe someday they will realize they need to help…

… been feeling a vague malaise… not lacking in energy, just not feeling physically happy… not sure what its about… possibly connected to alcohol consumption… the only day in the past month i have felt great was the day after a day i had no alcohol… i caved last night and bought a bottle of blended scotch and had a couple before dinner… kombucha with dinner… i didn’t overdo it, but still feel physically unhappy today…

First Thoughts

… woke at 5 AM… that is sleeping late for me… busy day yesterday… lots got done… another busy day today…

… made beach rose hip jam yesterday… actually more of a marmalade…

… my first successful BR jam… tried last year but managed to burn the sugar…

… HCR meter, country approaching the precipice… Mitch McConnel has lost control of his caucus?… are there those who would really see the country crash and burn because they could rebuild it as an oligarchy or with authoritarian control?… i believe the conditions are being set for Manchin and Synema to blow away the filibuster… if this happens, a floodgate of legislation that should drown radical Republicans and wash them out to the sea… one can only hope… in the meantime, our retirement life hangs in the balance…

… i had the thought this morning, its actually been hanging out in the recesses of my consciousness for a while, that 45 will return as a Hitleresque leader and Tucker Carlson will be his henchman, the one who sets up the concentration camps… this might seem outlandish, but i see a host of characters on the far right that would readily fill the roles of Nazi German government… Steve Bannon would be head of the SS… it doesn’t take me to any kind of happy place to be having these thoughts…

… sirens in the distance… many sirens… police, fire trucks, i am wondering what is going on… if it’s big, i will find out later…

First Thoughts

… got a lot done yesterday… spent a lot of money on provisioning humans and animals, however, humans are good for a week or more with minor expenditures along the way, and animals are good for up to three weeks… since we are leasing a car and have limited yearly mileage, we are trying to use the car less… this is both environmentally sound and financially sound… for the next week, whatever we need will be gotten in town at stores within walking distance…

… weight down significantly from the high it reached on BI… an error of the scale?… down three pounds in two days… makes one wonder… could be water weight…

… managed not to have more than one cocktail last two nights… trying not to have any alcohol, but if it’s in the house i am as likely as not to drink it… at least i am not drinking it all at once…

… HCR meter on tense… Republicans trying to thwart the Dems and playing Russian Roulette with the debt ceiling… according to HCR they are trying to force the Dems to use up their reconciliation chip on the debt ceiling instead of the infrastructure package… the other answer would be to change the filibuster… strange that a rule allowing a party to require a sixty vote threshold to pass legislation itself can be undone or modified by a simple majority as it has been when there is an impasse on legislation of extreme importance to party or country… i am really hoping McConnel’s gambit will finally bring Manchin and Sinemah on board with filibuster busting and that the dems are able to bring on an avalanche of legislation, including the voting rights legislation… that should thoroughly fix the wagons of Republicans and condemn them to being minority party for a number of decades… one of the interesting points HCR made is to compare the industrial revolution that took place at the end of the 1800’s, and the effect it had in concentrating wealth and threatening to undo democracy, to the present moment in time… technology is again concentrating wealth and threatening democracy… in the late 1800’s the Robber Barons were beat back… will the new class of Robbers be beat back as well?…

… the crickets and other noisy bugs continue their nightly chorus… won’t be long before cold weather puts and end to that… fall is underway… winter is coming…

First Thoughts

… bad night… didn’t sleep well, kept waking up, couldn’t get comfortable, don’t feel great this morning… most likely alcohol is the culprit…

… lots to do today to get ready to go home… pack up… cemetery board meeting… finish puzzle… finish rose hip jam… go to farmer’s market… go to dump… too much to do, or so it feels…

… HCR meter on “give me a break,”… pointing to the breathless news stories about the “unraveling” of the Biden presidency… she recounts the major news stories of a year ago by comparison… there was a presidency unraveling… by contrast, what we have today is intense negotiations on infrastructure that were not completed by a self imposed deadline… a soft deadline… Biden promised yesterday that it would get done, whether it takes six hours, six days or six weeks… something will get done… i believe that…

… i really can’t drink alcohol anymore… it never leaves me feeling good the morning after… the best day i had out here was the day after a night i didn’t drink and i brewed sumac tea and consumed it… i felt spectacular…

… i am remembering a dream centered around a barbecue where too much meat was being cooked… i couldn’t figure out where it was all going to be stored when people didn’t eat it… H seemed to be taking care of that without any worries… she instructed me to go get one of the grills which was located on the property line between two houses… one was a friend, the other a hostile to trespassing neighbor… the neighbor screamed at me and called the police… i took the grill and left the scene…

… made dinner for M&P last night… ribeye steak, roasted paprika potatoes, arugula/cucumber/red pepper salad… the potatoes stuck to the pan and weren’t beautiful in presentation, otherwise the dinner was a success…

… while H did the dishes M&P and i talked about a dizzying array of topics… immigration, gay sexuality, lgbtq and the arts… topics that had the potential to be contentious but all managed well by all of us… a good evening…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter jumping all around… major legislation being debated, the infrastructure bill, the reconciliation bill, waiting in the wings, voting rights legislation… lots to do… can the Dems get it done?… the only thing accomplished yesterday was funding of the government… no shutdown… still the debt ceiling to act on… fasten seat belts, bumpy ride is in progress…

… linguini with clams last night, one of H’s favorites… Edward Scissorhands soundtrack playing in the background… extensive discussion about M&P’s situation over dinner… acknowledgement that the road will be rough next few years… how to support them… don’t believe P’s children will be of much help… M&P want to be on BI… L wishes they would winter on mainland… will need help with household chores, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc… the present goal is to have M&P recognize the help they need and line it up… some signs that is happening…

H seems to be taking it on as a professional nursing assignment, not just a child caring for aging parents assignment… i try to tell them not to do that, that they need to be the child caring for aging parents first and foremost… they are not in agreement…

… i think about my M and wonder if they will find a significant other… hoping they have the wisdom not to let another constrain their lives and that it is managed as companionship with separate residences…

… first day of October… fall beginning in ernest… a chill in the air to go with it…

… i hear a dog stirring upstairs… hoping they settle down and sleep a bit more, don’t want to have to get up just now…

… in the middle of the night, a dry and sore throat… hoping i am not catching something…

… thinking about where to walk today… how far to walk… maybe out to the north light, last chance to see the seals without that couple hogging the experience…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter… do or die… the moment has arrived when voting rights legislation must be passed or the current gerrymandered redistricting will be locked in and the Dems are likely to loose control of house and Senate in 2022 and likely as well to loose control of the Presidency in 2024… according to most liberal pundits, this would be a disaster for democracy… all eyes on Washington and the Dems this week… in particular, Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema…

… my weight has been steadily climbing… two factors… not enough exercise, too many carbs… must reverse the trend…

… my left foot seems to have rounded a corner… standing on it while working in the kitchen did not cause pain yesterday… i can still feel some residual discomfort, but i think it is nearly healed… i will try a longer beach walk this AM… M and i continue to have micro text exchanges… they seem to be settling in to life on their own nicely…

… much hand ringing over H’s M… trying to figure out how to be sure she gets to the doctor for x-ray and consultation… H will not be easy to live with if this is not well set up on our departure… the current plan is to get them off the island to P’s house on Sunday… L will then pick them up and get them to the doctor on Wednesday… how they get back to BI will be up to them… we haven’t told M yet that we were unable to postpone our car reservation on the ferry so it will be Sunday… hopefully that won’t be a problem…

… looked up the recipe for rose hip jam… had forgotten how involved it is… well, gonna do it anyway… will gather the supplies today…

… looking forward to getting home… lots of house and yard maintenance work awaits and it is a bit of a drag living in a house that needs so much attention, but it is home and i look forward to being home which i have barely been for the past month…

… checked the weather and tide level… today will be the day to walk the length of the beach at Mohegan bluffs… haven’t done that yet… looking forward to it…

… feeling good today, in spite of two beers and a couple glasses of wine… made swordfish last night, my best iteration of the pan roasted swordfish recipe that is always so successful…

Fish, Seafood

Prep Time: 1 hour (mostly waiting)

Cook Time: 25 minutes | Servings: Yield 4 servings

Ingredients:

1/8 cup butter, room temperature

1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley

1/2 garlic clove, grated

1/4 teaspoon ground mixed peppercorns, plus more for sprinkling

1/4 teaspoon (packed) grated lemon peel

1/2 tablespoon olive oil

2 1-inch-thick swordfish steaks (about 6 ounces each)

Directions:

An hour before cooking:

Salt swordfish steaks on both sides. Cover and refridgerate.

Soften/melt butter in microwave. Add parsley, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon ground mixed peppercorns, and lemon peel in small bowl. Stir together and let sit. Butter should begin to re-solidify.

15 minutes prior to cooking:

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Pull swordfish steaks out of refridgerator to allow to warm up.

To cook:

Heat oil in heavy large ovenproof skillet over medium heat. Sprinkle swordfish with ground mixed peppercorns. Add swordfish to skillet. Cook until browned, about 3 minutes. Turn swordfish over and transfer to oven. Roast until just cooked through, about 10 minutes longer. Transfer swordfish to plates. Add seasoned butter to same skillet. Cook over medium-high heat, scraping up browned bits, until melted and bubbling. Pour butter sauce over swordfish and serve. Source

First Thoughts

… HCR meeter, democracy hanging in the balance… Mitch McConnel grandstanding, accusing the Dems of socialist betrayal of the country… i really don’t care about the socialist argument… i simply don’t want to finish out my life under the system Republicans propose…

… yesterday a somewhat lazy day… thunderstorms in the afternoon, dinner of leftovers… moved the puzzle forward… i think i will have time to finish it before going home…

… M went out with friends for dinner and said it was “good times”… they seem to be settling into their life without D… that we communicate daily and i send them photographs daily is a change in the absence of D… i keep checking my feelings about D and they are guiltless feelings of gladness that they are not around to muck up the works anymore… everything feels calmer and more genuine… less fear… more willingness to communicate freely… interestingly, i think about them… it’s hard to describe their presence in my mind… just sort of there, not haunting, not hating, just there… a presence that allows memories of the good and bad without much emotion… i don’t miss them, i do not forget them…

… H has been obsessed with her mother’s health and well being… generally, they have not been the best companion on this vacation, so focused on their own woes… they hammered away at it when B and M were over… i try to get them to back off a bit, let go, keep in mind that M is 90 years old, has lived a good life, is still a competent adult… they don’t see it that way… they treat M like a child… not much i can do but tolerate it… i am grateful for the hours of my own space in the morning… i look forward to H finding their way to a happier space… i hope it happens soon… i hope it happens… i am a little weary of having to be the float that keeps us from drowning in the negativity that surrounds us… i try to tell them this… they are determined to be as they are… not particularly happy, not contributing much to joint happiness…

… i have an MP cemetery annual meeting on Saturday… i am annoyed by this too… why does it always happen in the midst of vacation?… i am getting tired of that…

… well, on to Modern Nature…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter would be depressing if i didn’t already know its truths, which is that a vocal minority bent on an authoritarian government is trying to take over the country… that a significant enough number of my fellow citizens don’t give a damn about what the majority of the country wants… it all hinges on Democrats being willing to kill the filibuster… all eyes on the Senate…

… the mostly white patriarchy is holding on for dear life against the rising multicultural tide… we have the numbers if we have the will to fight…

… dinner at M’s last night, PG, PW, K and E there for cocktails, M and PG for dinner…

… i drank more wine than i wanted to, walked a perilous line on politics and religion, came home and barely remember going to bed… i think we watched some news and then H woke me up to go to bed… don’t feel bad this morning, but morning is young…

… been steadily working on the puzzle the L’s left behind… slow going, maybe 10 to 20 pieces a day… going a little faster now as the pieces are fewer in number… i wonder about puzzles, what makes them fun, i suppose it is the challenge and the slow appearance of a picture… this one is of the Eiffel Tower… it’s not a particularly nice image of it… i’ve seen much more compelling puzzle images…

… i glance up and my eyes fall on a Tibetan singing bowl on the mantle… i remember B making it sing during the fish dinner… B is a spiritual person… S is more down to earth… i remember the sumac berries i harvested yesterday and begin to prepare warm water to soak them in… and now they are soaking… it is warm water as opposed to boiling to avoid leaching tannins out of the seeds which make it bitter… i think i will try to make some jam out of it too…

First Thoughts

… we are installed in the cottage… slightly frustrating day doing so… cleaning lady late, dogs pooping and peeing in the cottage… no desire to cook, only the news available… H able to pursue their news addiction, sound pollution for me…

… HCR meter all about how it is increasingly evident that there was a full blown coup attempt… that it only barely failed… that the attempt is not over… the white patriarchy is desperate… democracy hangs in the balance… is the clock running out for dems to do something about it?…

… the internet is so pathetic at the cottage, which has wifi, or supposedly has wifi, but it is utterly useless… even in the wee hours of the morning when nobody else would be using it there is no bandwidth… there might as well not be any wifi at all…

… thinking about Modern Nature… thinking about the promiscuity of cruising parks and hooking up… thinking about the anger towards heterosexuals who would think such behavior among themselves ill advised… sex was rarely just sex to me… i dated one girl at a time and that girl had a chance of becoming something more to me and i to her… there were a few one night stands that were not satisfying… the idea of cruising the park seems crazy to me… that was the gay culture that DJ participated in, embraced, even after being diagnosed with AIDS… he claimed that little penetrative sex was indulged in once the gay community understood how the disease was transmitted… just hand jobs… still, it all seems risky behavior… behavior that was only about sex, not love… i don’t insist on heterosexual love… i just prefer sex in the context of a loving relationship…

… insects chirping outside, grasshoppers?, katydids?, cicadas?, what do they have on the island?… i wonder whether the noises they make leads predators as well as lovers to them… if so, what a risk they take for love…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter is pointing decidedly downward as more information about 45’s attempts to overthrow the government come out… both immediately after the election and ongoing efforts to change the results… democracy is hanging in the balance and will require decisive action by Democrats if it is to be preserved…

… my weight has plateaued for now and, when i am able to start cooking for us, i should be able to reverse the upward trend…

… S, S, J, and B went fishing yesterday and brought back a bunch of fish, and prepared it, all of which was yummy… the black bass ceviche was my favorite and i will try to make it myself while on the island…

… we’ve had a few idyllic days, perfect fall weather… yesterday was a perfect beach day, not looking as good for the coming week…

… i am thinking i may drive out to the north end again this AM, but earlier, in hopes of being the first out there for the day…

First Thoughts

… M and W’s wedding day…

… our trip to BI smooth except for the ferry crossing which was a little rough… we love our new car…though we both feel that when the lease is up we will want to buy it and then trade it in for a plug-in hybrid, i suspect we will get attached to it and it will be hard to give it up…

… HCR meter pointing down, suggesting that we are heading towards, perhaps are already engaged in, a new civil war… that white (male) supremacy ideals, if you can call them ideals, are still strong amongst the people of the United States of America… it is impossible for me to imagine how this is the case, but i know in my bones that it is… i know it because i see it on the news… i know it because long ago i perceived that the white patriarchy was in existential crisis and would fight to the death to preserve the world they have ruled over for so long… i know it because D was the white patriarchy writ large in my life…

… my weight on a steady climb, much to my dismay, though i have been unable to walk for the past day or two and my food selection has not been great… need to figure out how to address that over the next few days… i need a strategy… a silver linings weight management strategy…

… we showed up at Mahogany Shoals to join the young folk which consisted of the L crowd and significant others along with M&W’s friends… we met J, S’s SO, and C, G’s SO, said hello to S and B, M and W and then melted into the night as it became clear that it was a young folks gathering…

… a raven squawking outside then flying into the distance, still squawking, and now one is right outside the window… organizing a bird rebellion?…

First Thoughts

… at last, the day we take off for BI has arrived… we are largely ready… have to pack my own clothes and a few kitchen items, take care of a few other items, but other than that, we are ready to go… the car is even partially packed… H has just gotten up…

… our car insurance check has not been processed by the bank… this is making me nervous… will need to bring it with us… in case we have to deal with that…

… HCR meter pointing downwards… about Michael Flynn gaining traction on the right… about one of the largest real estate companies in China on the verge of collapse… that will have some impact around the world… the Michael Flynn story is disquieting…

… i am so looking forward to being on vacation… my coping capacity has been stretched to the max… H started telling me about a little scratch and swelling around Chas’s eye… she started worrying at me looking to me to tell her what we will do… i told her i had no capacity for anything further going wrong, there was no way we could take him to a vet before leaving without missing M’s wedding that she was going to have to deal with it herself and not share her worries on it with me… and she did exactly that and everything is ok and i didn’t have to obsess about calling it one way or the other… though, in effect, i did call it… at any rate, i am looking forward to not having to worry about much, going for long walks, having nice meals, etc. etc. etc… time to decompress…

First Thoughts

… just 84 hours after finding our car was drowned in flooding when tropical storm Ida passed through, we have organized a new car for ourselves, a Honda HR-V EX AWD…

… we are hoping to have it in our possession by Thursday, if not before…

… it’s hard to say that we have good car karma, given the drowning incident, but both times we have procured a new car, we have been able to do so under circumstances favorable to us… we got our Honda Fit during cash for clunkers… we traded in a car we paid 3K for and got 7K for it… it was a big part of making the car affordable at the time… this time we have an insurance settlement which is nearly double what we expected as a trade-in… again, helping with the money down situation…

… finding the car has been a whirlwind… we visited three different Honda dealers and two different Toyota dealers before settling on the HR-V above… there is a shortage of cars because there is a global shortage of microchips essential to their manufacture… most cars are being purchased before they get to the manufacturer’s lot… that we found one that met most of our requirements and desires already on the lot that hadn’t been spoken for is a small miracle…

… HCR meter neutral…

• about the Gavin Newsome recall election in which the far right contender is already claiming evidence of massive voter fraud, one day before the voting has even started…
• quote of the day “If losers in a democracy refuse to accept the legitimacy of elections, the system falls apart.”¹
• about Republican intransigence on the vaccine mandates imposed by the Biden Administration…
• about the soft infrastructure bill that no Republican supports…

First Thoughts

… going home day… resuming something like a normal life day… M all on their own day… that is where we are… i feel confident that M will be ok…

… it is amazing how much less tension there is in the air without D in the picture… a kind of black hole increasing in intensity the older they got… it is a little sad that there are no recent good memories…

… Joe Biden upping the anti on COVID vaccinations… mandating them wherever the government touches… OSHA with companies of 100 or more… Head Start programs receiving government funding… all federal employees… all contractors doing business with the government… fines doubled for airline passengers refusing to mask… there was one on the way down…

… slept poorly… the red wine?… didn’t drink anymore last night than the night before… white wine the night before… i don’t think i got more than three or four hours sleep… last contact with my favorite barista at Kunjani… an unusually pleasant and smiley young woman… more willing to have eye contact… more willing to engage… if i were living here we would get to be on a first name basis and i would have warm feelings towards her and fantasies about her… so it goes…

… if all goes smoothly i will be home by 6 tonight… i will sleep in my own bed… i will hug and kiss H and the dogs… the weather should be ok…

… the increased number of cameras and clothing items i am going back with barely fit into my bag…

… HCR meter pointing up… the COVID vaccine mandates, the Justice Department suing Texas over its draconian new law… the actions taken by the Biden administration more popular than not…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter neutral, a discussion of Republican bad behavior over the past 50 years which, one gets the impressions, there has not been much to match on the Democratici side… it seems clear that Republicans view themselves as being involved in a existential situation and are pulling out all the stops to stay in power… and have always done so, except when they were on the side of right and multiculturalism and the Democrats were the racists and purveyors of white supremacy… back in the Civil War era…

… H reports that L has become fed up with M and P and is washing their hands of the care of M and P and plans to rent a house during the wedding of their daughter… i am wondering if H is going to have to jump into the breach to take care of M and P… H is resisting that but i wonder if family loyalty and nursing instincts will kick in… at any rate, one hopes that M and L will come to appreciate H’s generosity of spirit and calmness in the face of difficult situations… i feel for them all… family turmoil not fun…

… this is my last full day in Florida and i am increasingly confident that M will be ok on their own… not that there won’t be sadnesses here and there… not that they won’t have moments of profound aloneness…

… i don’t think M has ever been alone in their life, jumping straight from childhood home to marriage…

… the other day M was speculating about how things might have been different had their childhood home situation not been difficult… would they have spent some time by themselves?… might they have gone to college? might they have become more independent?… would they have married D at all?… would R, J and i be here at all?… in that thought is the hint that the price for security has been high… further supported by the “free at last thought” the other day…

… yesterday a story about D’s intense jealousy preventing M and D from spending time with a couple M was close friends with… all because the spouse had a habit of touching, both men and women, on the arm when talking to them… a warm, friendly gesture which D refused to see as anything but hitting on M, even when they were the receiver of the touch gestures… they believed it was misdirection aimed at concealing lust for M…

… sadly, jealousy has kept M from lots of interactions with people she knew and cared about, including me, as i believe that jealousy was at the base of D’s anger towards me for the past 35 or 40 years… it’s not surprising that M has part of them saying “free at last”, and somewhat ironic that they are channeling Martin Luther King Jr. in doing so…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter positive… about the radicalization of the Republican party and the possibility that the radical gamble may not be paying off… we’ll see… would love if it were true…

… more and more i am looking forward to returning home… in the past month and a half, H and i have spent less than 24 hours in each other’s presence… it’s wearing thin… i miss the dogs and the cat too… i miss my home life…

… M continues to look ok to me… they are sad, for sure, a little uncertain about being on their own… but my assessment is that they will be ok… we should all be attentive after i leave and it will be good to come back for Christmas…

… i went to check out the Red Roof Inn we would probably stay in when we come down… it was nice as RR Inns go… a big one with three buildings arranged around a courtyard with, i think, a pool… it is within walking distance of Tin City, a fun tourist trap with shops and restaurants installed in old tin commercial fishing buildings… one of my rituals when visiting M and D was to have dinner in Tin City at least once… i liked the honky tonk nature of it and the generally ordinary people that went there…

… M keeps trying to have political conversations with me… it makes me uncomfortable… at least they don’t get angry with opposing views… they were questioning me about voter ID laws in ways i didn’t have a good immediate answer for… i just sent them an article on the subject that seemed reasonably balanced and described the issues involved… we’ll see what they think…

… the world is different without D around… much less tension in the air, which we all felt because of their tendency towards irrational anger explosions… M feeling guilty because the thought “free at last” was passing through their mind… i told them that feelings are feelings, they are neither right or wrong… what one does with and about feelings is the pivotal question… that is where right and wrong start to enter into things…

… M is propelling me back onto FB… they want a way to keep up with what is going on in my life… i hesitate to give them access to this blog because even though i am very circumspect about identity, feelings that may be distressing to them do get expressed in a public venue… this might be a signal that i shouldn’t post them, but the venue is not public in the sense that FB is and i resent not being able to express myself more publicly about what’s going on in my life…

First Thoughts

… more drinking last night… not as bad as the other night…

… a dream about LS last night… a dream about toying with the idea of an affair with them… we both wanted it… i was resisting it because i was married… i was resisting it because i knew it would get complicated…

… having some political conversations with M… at least they don’t get really angry… they are firmly in the Fox silo though… i suppose i look like i am firmly in the MSNBC silo to them… important to work with facts… M is possibly fungible on their conservativism… R and J stayed largely out of it…

… hauled most of D’s stuff to Goodwill… some more today…

… R is not sure he wants the Rolex watch either…

… we uncovered another camera… a pretty fancy for its time Minolta… google searches determine that none of the equipment is particularly valuable presently and that the lenses are outperformed by today’s lenses though current lenses are not built as well… just finished reading a review that claims the Maxxum is one of the best film cameras ever made… that is not necessarily concurred with by other reviewers… of the cameras i have inherited, the two film cameras are most interesting and perhaps i will find some film and use them to whatever effect they are capable of…

… i am sitting here feeling very warm…

… HCR meeter slightly downward to slightly upward… a discussion of the history of anti-abortion politics that began when Nixon wanted the Catholic vote which normally went Democratic… abortion was made an issue to divide that constituency and win elections… she points out that the country is fairly unified on the issue and wants Roe V. Wade to stand… that it is a minority driving it as a wedge issue that wins elections… she suggests that there will be considerable blowback around the Texan anti-abortion legislation passed yesterday… let’s hope so… i, for one, will abandon any ideas i had about traveling to Texas until they undo the legislation insanity they have recently embarked on…

First Thoughts

… in bed at 9:30, up at 4:30, about 7 hours… not bad, woke up once…

… yesterday we bagged up all D’s clothing and sorted through their things… each of us taking what fit, what we wanted, which in my case is not much as little fit and D’s tastes were more conservative than mine… R got sad and had to go off by themselves for a while… i found it more interesting than sad… D had a lot of clothes… two big closets… and everything was new or showed negligible amounts of wear… i wear things pretty much till they wear out… i have two or three pairs of pants, maybe four… D had at least 20 pairs of jeans, two or three times that amount of shirts, a number of belts equal to the number of jeans… some jeans had their particular belts installed in the loops, ready to be put on… today we haul it all off to Good Will…

… lots of texting with H… big rains in Beacon… the remnants of Ida passing through… H has been experiencing many frustrations since i left and said they are depressed… they are depressed a lot lately it seems to me… i hope it lifts…

… HCR meter pointing hard down… about laws being signed into existence in Texas that will likely make it impossible for women to get an abortion and will set up “vigilante” citizens as the enforcers… what could go wrong with that?… another law legalizes concealed carry of weapons without a permit… another law limits voting rights and permits partisan patrolling of voting stations where voters can now be intimidated by gun toting zealots… what could go wrong with that?… even worse, the Supreme court has refused to knock down these strategies… has refused to even hear arguments on them… has refused even to issue justice opinions on them… they are largely being carried out on the “shadow” docket… so now we have another thing the Biden/Harris administration must deal with in the next year and two months… we are a country in decline, and radical conservatives are a circling band of hyenas… i am thinking i will boycot Texas unless sanity gets restored there…

First Thoughts

… 24 hours without having to run the AC, OMG, feels so good…

… HCR Meter pointing downward… about the need for voting rights legislation… about the need to overcome resistance to eliminating the filibuster… about the idea(fact) that there will almost certainly be a radically conservative president in 2024 if it is not… i find it hard to believe that Democrats will allow themselves to be forever out of power, or that the consequences are really that dire… but here we are… at present they are poised to fritter away an opportunity to keep the U.S. for the people…

… day two since dad passing… feeling OK… looking forward to seeing Mom, brother and sister on Monday… not looking forward to traveling… not looking forward to being in Florida where the virus is raging…

… H comes home today… we will have about 20 hours together before i have to climb on a plane and fly to Florida… be gone for almost 2 weeks… return on the 10th… a week later we get to go to Block Island, enjoy my niece’s wedding celebration and then relax and reflect on the challenging couple of months we have had…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter pointing downwards… discussion of conservative extremism as evidenced by policies against mask and vaccine mandates… it’s really bleak and threatening… at present, the only remedy appears to be some form of federal voting rights legislation which the Senate can’t pass without making a change in the filibuster… several moderate Democrats Senators have said they will not vote to change the filibuster… what’s most depressing and frightening is that both sides view the current situation as an existential threat… this is the kind of thing that has already and will continue to lead to bloodshed…

… no alcohol last night, in at 9:30 PM, up at 4:00 AM… 6.5 hours of sleep… yup, that seems about right…

… finished The Essential Haiku yesterday, started Conscious, by Annaka Harris… i read a Brain Pickings post about it a couple of days ago and decided to buy it… i am 25 pages into it and was thinking that the development of ideas about consciousness in the book seemed a bit confused and unsound… i know that the book is heading towards presenting the concept of panpsychism, because of the Brain Pickings post and because there is a chapter labeled “Beyond Panpsychism” about 3/4 of the way through the book… an embrace of panpsychism would undercut some of the reasoning in the parts i have read so far, which flits around the trickiness of deciding when matter becomes “conscious”… the dividing lines are not clear and where we presently draw them doesn’t really stand up to scrutiny… so i am thinking the author is confused and muddled but it occurs to me that they are setting us up to introduce panpsychism as the resolution of the muddle… so i think i know why they are proceeding the way they are… at my present rate of reading, i will be done with the book in a few days…

… K comes today to continue with the weeding an mulching of the garden… i have done some work on the other side of the garden and it looks like we will be close to complete by the time H gets home…

… i am looking forward to driving down to Florida and back… the time spent there will be emotionally fraught as J will be frail and continuing on the path of heart failure, and C will be stressed out and sad, and my own emotions will be complex because of my poor relationship with J… so i focus on the three days of travel at either end… time to process… the possibilities of some minor adventures…

… i am feeling a little anxious about my skin exam next week, though i am not presently concerned about any skin anomalies… will be glad to have that past me…

… Chas to the vet yesterday… he’s gained a large amount of weight, 8 lbs according to the vet’s record… we decided to do a blood panel that included thyroid indicators… we’ve had several dogs in the pat with thyroid issues… fortunately, that is easy to treat… the visit cost nearly $470… we used to be able to get out of there for around $200… both Chas and Fiona got vaccinated for Bordetella, aka, Kennel Cough, yesterday… apparently it is going around… the vet says they have seen doggie patients at the rate of 1 per day that have it… it sounds like there is a cluster in one family in Beacon or Beacon vicinity…

First Thoughts

… the HRC meter points downward today… Kabul Afghanistan fell to the Taliban last night… Ashraf Gahni, president of the U.S. backed Afghan government has fled to Tajikistan… apparently the military the U.S. trained was only interested in a paycheck, not defending the U.S. created government… what a waste of “treasure,” as it is often put… lives and money… then context of the world is shifting away from Europe and the U.S. to the asiatic countries… my own assessment, not HCR’s…

… meanwhile, my Dad was at the center of conversation yesterday, the family Zoom meeting, text conversations with H about how to manage in September, when i will head down to Florida for what could be an extended stay, not allowing me to get back to New York in time to travel out to BI for my niece’s wedding… it’s all up in the air…

… a bit of a frustrating day yesterday… was on track to get a number of things done, including weed whacking and cleaning up in the back yard… then i ran out of whacking cable… then i went out to get some more… then i made the decision to get it at Lowes in Newburgh… then, on the way, i saw the traffic backed up for at least three exits… then i thought i will go back via 17… then when i did, it turns out that the traffic was backed up there too… then it took way too long to get back… then i gave up on finishing the yard work… then i thought, tomorrow’s another day… here it is tomorrow, i will endeavor to finish the yard work and get back to dining room carpentry…

… it is turning out that i will have to travel to Florida over Labor Day weekend… sigh… not what i would have preferred… i will begin to finalize the planning this week…

First Thoughts

… awoke with a start this AM, realizing i had forgotten to take my BP meds yesterday… a very rare occurrence… back on track now…

… months ago, i bought a vertical mouse, partly because a very expensive track ball had failed, and partly in hopes that neck pain i was experiencing was some form of mousing injury… the pain has almost disappeared… can’t attribute it to the vertical mouse with absolute certainty, but it is an interesting coincidence… i should note also that the vertical mouse has felt very natural to use…

…the HCR meter this morning is neutral… it was all about how Social Security got enacted and the woman responsible for it, Frances Perkins, the first woman to hold a position in the U.S. Cabinet… it ends on a somewhat disquieting note, a quote from Ms. Perkins…

One thing I know: Social Security is so firmly embedded in the American Psychology today that no politician, no political party, no political group could possibly destroy this Act and still maintain our democratic system. It is safe forever, and for the everlasting benefit of the people of the United States.¹

… fast forward to today, Democracy is under attack and if the siege is successful, Social Security and other social safety net programs will be on the chopping block…

… i was reading about China yesterday… an article on their move to reign in their tech industry… they have given it unfettered existence to this point… one of the things they are doing is forcing platforms to play nice with one another, so that they can’t monopolize a space… this surfaced my enormous frustration with the distribution of films in this country… i have been wanting to watch the movies of Kelly Reichardt all together, one after the other… it’s impossible… they are available on different streaming services, or not available at all… one needs to sign up for every f’ng media service out there to do it… it shouldn’t be like that… i am all for companies making money from the content they own, but there must be a way that delivers more value to the customer… it should be available for rent on all services, even at a somewhat higher price, and can be offered as part of a subscription for free or lower cost on the streaming service with the rights to distribute… then services can compete to provide the best user experience, the best stable of content to provide free or lower cost, etc… nobody would have to sign up for half a dozen services to watch the variety of content they want to watch… the Chinese government could make this happen, that might be its advantage…