First Thoughts

… got a lot done yesterday… spent a lot of money on provisioning humans and animals, however, humans are good for a week or more with minor expenditures along the way, and animals are good for up to three weeks… since we are leasing a car and have limited yearly mileage, we are trying to use the car less… this is both environmentally sound and financially sound… for the next week, whatever we need will be gotten in town at stores within walking distance…

… weight down significantly from the high it reached on BI… an error of the scale?… down three pounds in two days… makes one wonder… could be water weight…

… managed not to have more than one cocktail last two nights… trying not to have any alcohol, but if it’s in the house i am as likely as not to drink it… at least i am not drinking it all at once…

… HCR meter on tense… Republicans trying to thwart the Dems and playing Russian Roulette with the debt ceiling… according to HCR they are trying to force the Dems to use up their reconciliation chip on the debt ceiling instead of the infrastructure package… the other answer would be to change the filibuster… strange that a rule allowing a party to require a sixty vote threshold to pass legislation itself can be undone or modified by a simple majority as it has been when there is an impasse on legislation of extreme importance to party or country… i am really hoping McConnel’s gambit will finally bring Manchin and Sinemah on board with filibuster busting and that the dems are able to bring on an avalanche of legislation, including the voting rights legislation… that should thoroughly fix the wagons of Republicans and condemn them to being minority party for a number of decades… one of the interesting points HCR made is to compare the industrial revolution that took place at the end of the 1800’s, and the effect it had in concentrating wealth and threatening to undo democracy, to the present moment in time… technology is again concentrating wealth and threatening democracy… in the late 1800’s the Robber Barons were beat back… will the new class of Robbers be beat back as well?…

… the crickets and other noisy bugs continue their nightly chorus… won’t be long before cold weather puts and end to that… fall is underway… winter is coming…

First Thoughts

… bad night… didn’t sleep well, kept waking up, couldn’t get comfortable, don’t feel great this morning… most likely alcohol is the culprit…

… lots to do today to get ready to go home… pack up… cemetery board meeting… finish puzzle… finish rose hip jam… go to farmer’s market… go to dump… too much to do, or so it feels…

… HCR meter on “give me a break,”… pointing to the breathless news stories about the “unraveling” of the Biden presidency… she recounts the major news stories of a year ago by comparison… there was a presidency unraveling… by contrast, what we have today is intense negotiations on infrastructure that were not completed by a self imposed deadline… a soft deadline… Biden promised yesterday that it would get done, whether it takes six hours, six days or six weeks… something will get done… i believe that…

… i really can’t drink alcohol anymore… it never leaves me feeling good the morning after… the best day i had out here was the day after a night i didn’t drink and i brewed sumac tea and consumed it… i felt spectacular…

… i am remembering a dream centered around a barbecue where too much meat was being cooked… i couldn’t figure out where it was all going to be stored when people didn’t eat it… H seemed to be taking care of that without any worries… she instructed me to go get one of the grills which was located on the property line between two houses… one was a friend, the other a hostile to trespassing neighbor… the neighbor screamed at me and called the police… i took the grill and left the scene…

… made dinner for M&P last night… ribeye steak, roasted paprika potatoes, arugula/cucumber/red pepper salad… the potatoes stuck to the pan and weren’t beautiful in presentation, otherwise the dinner was a success…

… while H did the dishes M&P and i talked about a dizzying array of topics… immigration, gay sexuality, lgbtq and the arts… topics that had the potential to be contentious but all managed well by all of us… a good evening…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter jumping all around… major legislation being debated, the infrastructure bill, the reconciliation bill, waiting in the wings, voting rights legislation… lots to do… can the Dems get it done?… the only thing accomplished yesterday was funding of the government… no shutdown… still the debt ceiling to act on… fasten seat belts, bumpy ride is in progress…

… linguini with clams last night, one of H’s favorites… Edward Scissorhands soundtrack playing in the background… extensive discussion about M&P’s situation over dinner… acknowledgement that the road will be rough next few years… how to support them… don’t believe P’s children will be of much help… M&P want to be on BI… L wishes they would winter on mainland… will need help with household chores, laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc… the present goal is to have M&P recognize the help they need and line it up… some signs that is happening…

H seems to be taking it on as a professional nursing assignment, not just a child caring for aging parents assignment… i try to tell them not to do that, that they need to be the child caring for aging parents first and foremost… they are not in agreement…

… i think about my M and wonder if they will find a significant other… hoping they have the wisdom not to let another constrain their lives and that it is managed as companionship with separate residences…

… first day of October… fall beginning in ernest… a chill in the air to go with it…

… i hear a dog stirring upstairs… hoping they settle down and sleep a bit more, don’t want to have to get up just now…

… in the middle of the night, a dry and sore throat… hoping i am not catching something…

… thinking about where to walk today… how far to walk… maybe out to the north light, last chance to see the seals without that couple hogging the experience…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter… do or die… the moment has arrived when voting rights legislation must be passed or the current gerrymandered redistricting will be locked in and the Dems are likely to loose control of house and Senate in 2022 and likely as well to loose control of the Presidency in 2024… according to most liberal pundits, this would be a disaster for democracy… all eyes on Washington and the Dems this week… in particular, Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema…

… my weight has been steadily climbing… two factors… not enough exercise, too many carbs… must reverse the trend…

… my left foot seems to have rounded a corner… standing on it while working in the kitchen did not cause pain yesterday… i can still feel some residual discomfort, but i think it is nearly healed… i will try a longer beach walk this AM… M and i continue to have micro text exchanges… they seem to be settling in to life on their own nicely…

… much hand ringing over H’s M… trying to figure out how to be sure she gets to the doctor for x-ray and consultation… H will not be easy to live with if this is not well set up on our departure… the current plan is to get them off the island to P’s house on Sunday… L will then pick them up and get them to the doctor on Wednesday… how they get back to BI will be up to them… we haven’t told M yet that we were unable to postpone our car reservation on the ferry so it will be Sunday… hopefully that won’t be a problem…

… looked up the recipe for rose hip jam… had forgotten how involved it is… well, gonna do it anyway… will gather the supplies today…

… looking forward to getting home… lots of house and yard maintenance work awaits and it is a bit of a drag living in a house that needs so much attention, but it is home and i look forward to being home which i have barely been for the past month…

… checked the weather and tide level… today will be the day to walk the length of the beach at Mohegan bluffs… haven’t done that yet… looking forward to it…

… feeling good today, in spite of two beers and a couple glasses of wine… made swordfish last night, my best iteration of the pan roasted swordfish recipe that is always so successful…

Fish, Seafood

Prep Time: 1 hour (mostly waiting)

Cook Time: 25 minutes | Servings: Yield 4 servings

Ingredients:

1/8 cup butter, room temperature

1 teaspoon chopped fresh parsley

1/2 garlic clove, grated

1/4 teaspoon ground mixed peppercorns, plus more for sprinkling

1/4 teaspoon (packed) grated lemon peel

1/2 tablespoon olive oil

2 1-inch-thick swordfish steaks (about 6 ounces each)

Directions:

An hour before cooking:

Salt swordfish steaks on both sides. Cover and refridgerate.

Soften/melt butter in microwave. Add parsley, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon ground mixed peppercorns, and lemon peel in small bowl. Stir together and let sit. Butter should begin to re-solidify.

15 minutes prior to cooking:

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Pull swordfish steaks out of refridgerator to allow to warm up.

To cook:

Heat oil in heavy large ovenproof skillet over medium heat. Sprinkle swordfish with ground mixed peppercorns. Add swordfish to skillet. Cook until browned, about 3 minutes. Turn swordfish over and transfer to oven. Roast until just cooked through, about 10 minutes longer. Transfer swordfish to plates. Add seasoned butter to same skillet. Cook over medium-high heat, scraping up browned bits, until melted and bubbling. Pour butter sauce over swordfish and serve. Source

First Thoughts

… HCR meeter, democracy hanging in the balance… Mitch McConnel grandstanding, accusing the Dems of socialist betrayal of the country… i really don’t care about the socialist argument… i simply don’t want to finish out my life under the system Republicans propose…

… yesterday a somewhat lazy day… thunderstorms in the afternoon, dinner of leftovers… moved the puzzle forward… i think i will have time to finish it before going home…

… M went out with friends for dinner and said it was “good times”… they seem to be settling into their life without D… that we communicate daily and i send them photographs daily is a change in the absence of D… i keep checking my feelings about D and they are guiltless feelings of gladness that they are not around to muck up the works anymore… everything feels calmer and more genuine… less fear… more willingness to communicate freely… interestingly, i think about them… it’s hard to describe their presence in my mind… just sort of there, not haunting, not hating, just there… a presence that allows memories of the good and bad without much emotion… i don’t miss them, i do not forget them…

… H has been obsessed with her mother’s health and well being… generally, they have not been the best companion on this vacation, so focused on their own woes… they hammered away at it when B and M were over… i try to get them to back off a bit, let go, keep in mind that M is 90 years old, has lived a good life, is still a competent adult… they don’t see it that way… they treat M like a child… not much i can do but tolerate it… i am grateful for the hours of my own space in the morning… i look forward to H finding their way to a happier space… i hope it happens soon… i hope it happens… i am a little weary of having to be the float that keeps us from drowning in the negativity that surrounds us… i try to tell them this… they are determined to be as they are… not particularly happy, not contributing much to joint happiness…

… i have an MP cemetery annual meeting on Saturday… i am annoyed by this too… why does it always happen in the midst of vacation?… i am getting tired of that…

… well, on to Modern Nature…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter would be depressing if i didn’t already know its truths, which is that a vocal minority bent on an authoritarian government is trying to take over the country… that a significant enough number of my fellow citizens don’t give a damn about what the majority of the country wants… it all hinges on Democrats being willing to kill the filibuster… all eyes on the Senate…

… the mostly white patriarchy is holding on for dear life against the rising multicultural tide… we have the numbers if we have the will to fight…

… dinner at M’s last night, PG, PW, K and E there for cocktails, M and PG for dinner…

… i drank more wine than i wanted to, walked a perilous line on politics and religion, came home and barely remember going to bed… i think we watched some news and then H woke me up to go to bed… don’t feel bad this morning, but morning is young…

… been steadily working on the puzzle the L’s left behind… slow going, maybe 10 to 20 pieces a day… going a little faster now as the pieces are fewer in number… i wonder about puzzles, what makes them fun, i suppose it is the challenge and the slow appearance of a picture… this one is of the Eiffel Tower… it’s not a particularly nice image of it… i’ve seen much more compelling puzzle images…

… i glance up and my eyes fall on a Tibetan singing bowl on the mantle… i remember B making it sing during the fish dinner… B is a spiritual person… S is more down to earth… i remember the sumac berries i harvested yesterday and begin to prepare warm water to soak them in… and now they are soaking… it is warm water as opposed to boiling to avoid leaching tannins out of the seeds which make it bitter… i think i will try to make some jam out of it too…

First Thoughts

… we are installed in the cottage… slightly frustrating day doing so… cleaning lady late, dogs pooping and peeing in the cottage… no desire to cook, only the news available… H able to pursue their news addiction, sound pollution for me…

… HCR meter all about how it is increasingly evident that there was a full blown coup attempt… that it only barely failed… that the attempt is not over… the white patriarchy is desperate… democracy hangs in the balance… is the clock running out for dems to do something about it?…

… the internet is so pathetic at the cottage, which has wifi, or supposedly has wifi, but it is utterly useless… even in the wee hours of the morning when nobody else would be using it there is no bandwidth… there might as well not be any wifi at all…

… thinking about Modern Nature… thinking about the promiscuity of cruising parks and hooking up… thinking about the anger towards heterosexuals who would think such behavior among themselves ill advised… sex was rarely just sex to me… i dated one girl at a time and that girl had a chance of becoming something more to me and i to her… there were a few one night stands that were not satisfying… the idea of cruising the park seems crazy to me… that was the gay culture that DJ participated in, embraced, even after being diagnosed with AIDS… he claimed that little penetrative sex was indulged in once the gay community understood how the disease was transmitted… just hand jobs… still, it all seems risky behavior… behavior that was only about sex, not love… i don’t insist on heterosexual love… i just prefer sex in the context of a loving relationship…

… insects chirping outside, grasshoppers?, katydids?, cicadas?, what do they have on the island?… i wonder whether the noises they make leads predators as well as lovers to them… if so, what a risk they take for love…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter is pointing decidedly downward as more information about 45’s attempts to overthrow the government come out… both immediately after the election and ongoing efforts to change the results… democracy is hanging in the balance and will require decisive action by Democrats if it is to be preserved…

… my weight has plateaued for now and, when i am able to start cooking for us, i should be able to reverse the upward trend…

… S, S, J, and B went fishing yesterday and brought back a bunch of fish, and prepared it, all of which was yummy… the black bass ceviche was my favorite and i will try to make it myself while on the island…

… we’ve had a few idyllic days, perfect fall weather… yesterday was a perfect beach day, not looking as good for the coming week…

… i am thinking i may drive out to the north end again this AM, but earlier, in hopes of being the first out there for the day…

First Thoughts

… at last, the day we take off for BI has arrived… we are largely ready… have to pack my own clothes and a few kitchen items, take care of a few other items, but other than that, we are ready to go… the car is even partially packed… H has just gotten up…

… our car insurance check has not been processed by the bank… this is making me nervous… will need to bring it with us… in case we have to deal with that…

… HCR meter pointing downwards… about Michael Flynn gaining traction on the right… about one of the largest real estate companies in China on the verge of collapse… that will have some impact around the world… the Michael Flynn story is disquieting…

… i am so looking forward to being on vacation… my coping capacity has been stretched to the max… H started telling me about a little scratch and swelling around Chas’s eye… she started worrying at me looking to me to tell her what we will do… i told her i had no capacity for anything further going wrong, there was no way we could take him to a vet before leaving without missing M’s wedding that she was going to have to deal with it herself and not share her worries on it with me… and she did exactly that and everything is ok and i didn’t have to obsess about calling it one way or the other… though, in effect, i did call it… at any rate, i am looking forward to not having to worry about much, going for long walks, having nice meals, etc. etc. etc… time to decompress…

First Thoughts

… well, we did it, in just four days we tracked down a car we wanted to lease, completed the transaction, brought it home… it’s not our ideal car, plug in hybrid, hybrid, were both high on our list of desirable… still, we got heated seats, a bucket of safety features, a larger car than we had before, a moon roof, a pleasant, well crafted ride… and because we leased it, the chance to buy or lease the car of our dreams in three years…

… having settled the car question, we can drive out to Block Island, enjoy our niece’s wedding, and have a vacation in which we can finally have some down time and together time, which we have had little of for the past month and a half… between M’s accident and D passing away, we have been separated and tending to our respective family traumas… and then there was the drowning of our Honda Fit by tropical storm Ida… as i write “Ida” i am prompted to check my hurricane tracker app to see what is brewing in The Atlantic… a couple of storms, one doesn’t look likely to hit land, the other, coming off the coast of Africa is presently moving towards the Caribbean… should keep an eye on that one…

… a couple of things to do still to conclude the Fit chapter in our lives… we need to get our plates back so we can hand them in and stop the insurance on the Fit… we need to meet with a Geico representative to sign over the title and receive a check… it’s not looking like either will happen before we leave on vacation…

… for the next two days we will organize ourselves to get out to BI…

… HCR meter, neutral, Joe Manchin and a handful of Democrat senators have crafted a compromise voting rights bill that Manchin has promised he can get ten Republican votes for… according to HCR, democracy hangs in the balance… i ascribe to this position too… it looks like the preservation of democracy or the preservation of the filibuster, at great cost to democracy as a governing principle…

…

First Thoughts

… just 84 hours after finding our car was drowned in flooding when tropical storm Ida passed through, we have organized a new car for ourselves, a Honda HR-V EX AWD…

… we are hoping to have it in our possession by Thursday, if not before…

… it’s hard to say that we have good car karma, given the drowning incident, but both times we have procured a new car, we have been able to do so under circumstances favorable to us… we got our Honda Fit during cash for clunkers… we traded in a car we paid 3K for and got 7K for it… it was a big part of making the car affordable at the time… this time we have an insurance settlement which is nearly double what we expected as a trade-in… again, helping with the money down situation…

… finding the car has been a whirlwind… we visited three different Honda dealers and two different Toyota dealers before settling on the HR-V above… there is a shortage of cars because there is a global shortage of microchips essential to their manufacture… most cars are being purchased before they get to the manufacturer’s lot… that we found one that met most of our requirements and desires already on the lot that hadn’t been spoken for is a small miracle…

… HCR meter neutral…

• about the Gavin Newsome recall election in which the far right contender is already claiming evidence of massive voter fraud, one day before the voting has even started…
• quote of the day “If losers in a democracy refuse to accept the legitimacy of elections, the system falls apart.”¹
• about Republican intransigence on the vaccine mandates imposed by the Biden Administration…
• about the soft infrastructure bill that no Republican supports…

First Thoughts

… we started looking at new cars yesterday… will probably head in the direction of a Honda HR-V… slightly larger and more SUV like than the Fit… we will probably lease since we have to move quickly and can’t get our ideal car, a hybrid… HR-V hybrids will become available in a year or two, so by the end of the lease we may be able to get an HR-V hybrid… also, one would hope that the worldwide chip shortage will be over and new cars more readily available…

… dropped off K and B’s photograph and had a chat yesterday… good to see them… we have to get together with them after we return from BI… we owe lots of friends dinner or some kind of entertainment…

… continuing my streak of less than optimal fortune, both my bank cards were compromised yesterday… had to get new cards… need to think carefully about how i use them and where i allow them to be stored… seems rather unlikely that both of them, one relatively new and not used that much, should be compromised simultaneously… i worry i have been hacked somewhere…

… sorted out H’s Apple Watch issue yesterday… she is good to go…

… today… family meeting, photowalk, farmer’s market, vacuum, unpack suitcase, text M…

… need to eat a bit healthier today… no pizza, turkey and cheese rolls… need vegetables!…

… HCR meter solomn… about 911 on the 20th anniversary of the attack… the danger the Republican Party poses to democracy…

First Thoughts

… going home day… resuming something like a normal life day… M all on their own day… that is where we are… i feel confident that M will be ok…

… it is amazing how much less tension there is in the air without D in the picture… a kind of black hole increasing in intensity the older they got… it is a little sad that there are no recent good memories…

… Joe Biden upping the anti on COVID vaccinations… mandating them wherever the government touches… OSHA with companies of 100 or more… Head Start programs receiving government funding… all federal employees… all contractors doing business with the government… fines doubled for airline passengers refusing to mask… there was one on the way down…

… slept poorly… the red wine?… didn’t drink anymore last night than the night before… white wine the night before… i don’t think i got more than three or four hours sleep… last contact with my favorite barista at Kunjani… an unusually pleasant and smiley young woman… more willing to have eye contact… more willing to engage… if i were living here we would get to be on a first name basis and i would have warm feelings towards her and fantasies about her… so it goes…

… if all goes smoothly i will be home by 6 tonight… i will sleep in my own bed… i will hug and kiss H and the dogs… the weather should be ok…

… the increased number of cameras and clothing items i am going back with barely fit into my bag…

… HCR meter pointing up… the COVID vaccine mandates, the Justice Department suing Texas over its draconian new law… the actions taken by the Biden administration more popular than not…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter neutral, a discussion of Republican bad behavior over the past 50 years which, one gets the impressions, there has not been much to match on the Democratici side… it seems clear that Republicans view themselves as being involved in a existential situation and are pulling out all the stops to stay in power… and have always done so, except when they were on the side of right and multiculturalism and the Democrats were the racists and purveyors of white supremacy… back in the Civil War era…

… H reports that L has become fed up with M and P and is washing their hands of the care of M and P and plans to rent a house during the wedding of their daughter… i am wondering if H is going to have to jump into the breach to take care of M and P… H is resisting that but i wonder if family loyalty and nursing instincts will kick in… at any rate, one hopes that M and L will come to appreciate H’s generosity of spirit and calmness in the face of difficult situations… i feel for them all… family turmoil not fun…

… this is my last full day in Florida and i am increasingly confident that M will be ok on their own… not that there won’t be sadnesses here and there… not that they won’t have moments of profound aloneness…

… i don’t think M has ever been alone in their life, jumping straight from childhood home to marriage…

… the other day M was speculating about how things might have been different had their childhood home situation not been difficult… would they have spent some time by themselves?… might they have gone to college? might they have become more independent?… would they have married D at all?… would R, J and i be here at all?… in that thought is the hint that the price for security has been high… further supported by the “free at last thought” the other day…

… yesterday a story about D’s intense jealousy preventing M and D from spending time with a couple M was close friends with… all because the spouse had a habit of touching, both men and women, on the arm when talking to them… a warm, friendly gesture which D refused to see as anything but hitting on M, even when they were the receiver of the touch gestures… they believed it was misdirection aimed at concealing lust for M…

… sadly, jealousy has kept M from lots of interactions with people she knew and cared about, including me, as i believe that jealousy was at the base of D’s anger towards me for the past 35 or 40 years… it’s not surprising that M has part of them saying “free at last”, and somewhat ironic that they are channeling Martin Luther King Jr. in doing so…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter positive… about the radicalization of the Republican party and the possibility that the radical gamble may not be paying off… we’ll see… would love if it were true…

… more and more i am looking forward to returning home… in the past month and a half, H and i have spent less than 24 hours in each other’s presence… it’s wearing thin… i miss the dogs and the cat too… i miss my home life…

… M continues to look ok to me… they are sad, for sure, a little uncertain about being on their own… but my assessment is that they will be ok… we should all be attentive after i leave and it will be good to come back for Christmas…

… i went to check out the Red Roof Inn we would probably stay in when we come down… it was nice as RR Inns go… a big one with three buildings arranged around a courtyard with, i think, a pool… it is within walking distance of Tin City, a fun tourist trap with shops and restaurants installed in old tin commercial fishing buildings… one of my rituals when visiting M and D was to have dinner in Tin City at least once… i liked the honky tonk nature of it and the generally ordinary people that went there…

… M keeps trying to have political conversations with me… it makes me uncomfortable… at least they don’t get angry with opposing views… they were questioning me about voter ID laws in ways i didn’t have a good immediate answer for… i just sent them an article on the subject that seemed reasonably balanced and described the issues involved… we’ll see what they think…

… the world is different without D around… much less tension in the air, which we all felt because of their tendency towards irrational anger explosions… M feeling guilty because the thought “free at last” was passing through their mind… i told them that feelings are feelings, they are neither right or wrong… what one does with and about feelings is the pivotal question… that is where right and wrong start to enter into things…

… M is propelling me back onto FB… they want a way to keep up with what is going on in my life… i hesitate to give them access to this blog because even though i am very circumspect about identity, feelings that may be distressing to them do get expressed in a public venue… this might be a signal that i shouldn’t post them, but the venue is not public in the sense that FB is and i resent not being able to express myself more publicly about what’s going on in my life…

First Thoughts

… beginning to look forward to getting home… miss H and the dogs… getting a little bored… M seems as though they will go on… a little sad… a little lacking in motivation… but otherwise ok… doing some future planning…

… HCR meter neutral to pointing downwards… about the voting rights landscape… about whether the multicultural majority will control the next many decades, or the mostly white minority will… the filibuster stands in the way of the former and so far, Dems have been unwilling to change it…

… have started reading a book on Issa haikus dealing with animals… i thought, when i bought it, that it was focused on animal symbology, and it does get into that, but the main focus is demonstrating Issa’s attitude towards animals, which was more or less a Buddhist attitude, and making an argument that he believed in the fair treatment of animals as that might be meant in our time, not his… i don’t know that i see the purpose of making such a case in a scholarly treatment of the poet… Buddhist belief systems generally treat all life forms as fellow travelers in the universe… as part of the web of life… i suppose i prefer the web of life view in general, even as i consider machine intelligence, and what might be evolving in the entire life/consciousness/thought system… having just finished George Dyson’s Analogia, which makes the case that machines and the coding that runs them will, have(?), reached the point of self determination and self reproduction, but not without needing us as a sublayer of their existence… this is perhaps the more benign way it could go, if indeed it is going that way… human beings not at the top of the intelligence chain, but necessary to it and therefore guaranteed a place in it going forward… i need to pick up Ken Wilbur’s book and read it again… i think it dovetails with the Dyson ideas… one question remains, however… this whole human machine thing maintains the possibility of self annihilation… how will this machine/human complex avoid destroying itself?… is violence an unavoidable part of all cultural thought systems?…

First Thoughts

… R and J go back to the West Coast… just M and me for the next week… then, M will be on her own… that will be a difficult place for her i am guessing…

… went to the beach to have dinner… watched the sunset…

… weighed in, 227.0 lbs… good news… was a little worried that i have gained in the past week…

… the HCR meter pointing decidedly down… a discussion of the Texas fetal heartbeat abortion law… a discussion about how similar laws could undermine civil rights… the whole situation awful…

… J up… i thought i heard M too…

First Thoughts

… more drinking last night… not as bad as the other night…

… a dream about LS last night… a dream about toying with the idea of an affair with them… we both wanted it… i was resisting it because i was married… i was resisting it because i knew it would get complicated…

… having some political conversations with M… at least they don’t get really angry… they are firmly in the Fox silo though… i suppose i look like i am firmly in the MSNBC silo to them… important to work with facts… M is possibly fungible on their conservativism… R and J stayed largely out of it…

… hauled most of D’s stuff to Goodwill… some more today…

… R is not sure he wants the Rolex watch either…

… we uncovered another camera… a pretty fancy for its time Minolta… google searches determine that none of the equipment is particularly valuable presently and that the lenses are outperformed by today’s lenses though current lenses are not built as well… just finished reading a review that claims the Maxxum is one of the best film cameras ever made… that is not necessarily concurred with by other reviewers… of the cameras i have inherited, the two film cameras are most interesting and perhaps i will find some film and use them to whatever effect they are capable of…

… i am sitting here feeling very warm…

… HCR meeter slightly downward to slightly upward… a discussion of the history of anti-abortion politics that began when Nixon wanted the Catholic vote which normally went Democratic… abortion was made an issue to divide that constituency and win elections… she points out that the country is fairly unified on the issue and wants Roe V. Wade to stand… that it is a minority driving it as a wedge issue that wins elections… she suggests that there will be considerable blowback around the Texan anti-abortion legislation passed yesterday… let’s hope so… i, for one, will abandon any ideas i had about traveling to Texas until they undo the legislation insanity they have recently embarked on…

First Thoughts

… in bed at 9:30, up at 4:30, about 7 hours… not bad, woke up once…

… yesterday we bagged up all D’s clothing and sorted through their things… each of us taking what fit, what we wanted, which in my case is not much as little fit and D’s tastes were more conservative than mine… R got sad and had to go off by themselves for a while… i found it more interesting than sad… D had a lot of clothes… two big closets… and everything was new or showed negligible amounts of wear… i wear things pretty much till they wear out… i have two or three pairs of pants, maybe four… D had at least 20 pairs of jeans, two or three times that amount of shirts, a number of belts equal to the number of jeans… some jeans had their particular belts installed in the loops, ready to be put on… today we haul it all off to Good Will…

… lots of texting with H… big rains in Beacon… the remnants of Ida passing through… H has been experiencing many frustrations since i left and said they are depressed… they are depressed a lot lately it seems to me… i hope it lifts…

… HCR meter pointing hard down… about laws being signed into existence in Texas that will likely make it impossible for women to get an abortion and will set up “vigilante” citizens as the enforcers… what could go wrong with that?… another law legalizes concealed carry of weapons without a permit… another law limits voting rights and permits partisan patrolling of voting stations where voters can now be intimidated by gun toting zealots… what could go wrong with that?… even worse, the Supreme court has refused to knock down these strategies… has refused to even hear arguments on them… has refused even to issue justice opinions on them… they are largely being carried out on the “shadow” docket… so now we have another thing the Biden/Harris administration must deal with in the next year and two months… we are a country in decline, and radical conservatives are a circling band of hyenas… i am thinking i will boycot Texas unless sanity gets restored there…

First Thoughts

… 24 hours without having to run the AC, OMG, feels so good…

… HCR Meter pointing downward… about the need for voting rights legislation… about the need to overcome resistance to eliminating the filibuster… about the idea(fact) that there will almost certainly be a radically conservative president in 2024 if it is not… i find it hard to believe that Democrats will allow themselves to be forever out of power, or that the consequences are really that dire… but here we are… at present they are poised to fritter away an opportunity to keep the U.S. for the people…

… day two since dad passing… feeling OK… looking forward to seeing Mom, brother and sister on Monday… not looking forward to traveling… not looking forward to being in Florida where the virus is raging…

… H comes home today… we will have about 20 hours together before i have to climb on a plane and fly to Florida… be gone for almost 2 weeks… return on the 10th… a week later we get to go to Block Island, enjoy my niece’s wedding celebration and then relax and reflect on the challenging couple of months we have had…

First Thoughts

… in bed at 9:30, up at 3:00 AM… at least i slept through…

… the day after dad’s passing… the melancholy is subsiding… lots of thoughts about seeing Mom and my brother and sister… wondering if the expected improvement in family dynamics will materialize… worried about my sister annoying me, which she has the capacity to do… i will find out come Monday…

… Fiona being very fussy about her food… only way to get her to eat much is to sprinkle it with freeze dried organ dust… she seems not to like the kibble and it hasn’t helped much to home make wet food… she might need more exercise to pique her appetite…

… the heat has finally broken… i may actually get the stairs in place if not completely finished…

… a major hurricane heading straight for Louisiana… will hit tomorrow the x year anniversary of Katrina…

… HCR meter mixed… about the contest of individualism and collectivism in the U.S… not at all clear which will come out on top…

… a day or two ago, i read an interesting article on slime mold… i appear not to have published it… now i have… the idea that the view of races as being inferior/superior is a social construct and that it has been constructed in service of white supremacy… the idea that humanity sits on top of an intelligence pyramid has also been constructed in service of white supremacy… it makes sense to me…

First Thoughts

… i went to bed angry last night… as i noted the anger i was feeling it wasn’t clear to me what i was angry about… i told myself i was angry at H for not being able to get back immediately so i could get to Florida sooner… i told myself i was angry with my father for arranging the timing of his death to cause maximum havoc in my life… i told myself i was angry with my sister for her smug, best daughter ever was of handling the end of a life that i know caused her considerable pain… i told myself i was angry with the weather for being brutally hot at precisely the wrong moment to allow me to finish rebuilding the back stairs… i told myself that i was angry with my skin, that because i have to be so protective of it i have to wear long sleeved sun protective shirts, neck gators, a hat, to protect myself, which means the heat is even more brutal to me… i told myself that i was angry with my left foot because it chose this moment to develop significant pain which limited my limited ability to get anything done… i am angry that i have to fly down to Florida rather than drive as i had planned… in the end, nothing is anybody’s fault, it’s just me being irritated that i have little control over the flow of events which seemed presently configured to thwart me at every turn…

… news yesterday that hospice nursing felt Dad had at best two days… he will almost certainly pass before i get there and may have been passed for a day or two before i can get there… as i have written before, i have no burning desire to be there… the man didn’t like me and the feeling was mutual… i am, if anything, looking forward to family gatherings without his angry presence… to a family that can relax a little because it doesn’t have to fear angry outbursts, walk on eggshells around him all the time… i am looking forward to being free of that…

… the HCR meter down pointing significantly today… Afghan terror attack killing U.S. military and civilians… conservatives behaving shamelessly… COVID ripping through Florida where i have to fly in a few days… i had planned to avoid people on my trip to Florida… i have been forced into a situation where i can’t… another thing to be angry about… if you step back and take in the big picture, it looks a lot like the failure of a state…

First Thoughts

… news that dad has taken a turn for the worse… it sounds like he won’t last through the weekend… H has arranged herself to get back on Sunday… not sure what my plans are other than as already established… i have no great need to be there when he passes… my sister is there now, so mom has somebody to be with her through it… it’s possible i will fly down, but only if there is some kind of service or memorial happening that requires my presence earlier than already planned… i believe my sister said he is to be cremated… if that is the case, there won’t be any urgency to whatever services may be planned… so mostly i am on track to arrive Monday, September 6…

… i am a little melancholy… i am pretty sure it’s not because i will miss my father… i don’t think i will… melancholy attends what comes to an end for a variety of reasons… all endings are deaths of a kind, so there is a general melancholy attached to that… deaths in particular carry the melancholy of knowing one day it will be you… probably there is melancholy in the feeling that i had a biological father who couldn’t find his way to anything but anger towards me, so for the last two to three decades, i didn’t really have a father…

… i look forward to time with my mother and, hopefully, a few occasions where we all gather as a family without his complicating and generally negative presence… he has been a kind of Death Star as far as i am concerned…

… the HCR meter today points slightly positive… news that congressional inquiry into the final months of 45’s administration is casting a broad net… news that the evacuation from Afghanistan continues with tens of thousands of evacuees flown out every day… news that the situation is deteriorating, turmoil ahead… news that the Harlem Hell Fighters from WW I have finally been awarded congressional medals of honor for their courageous fighting during the war…

First Thoughts

… HCR meeter pointing slightly up…

• full FDA approval of Pfizer COVID19 vaccine… the stock market rallied in anticipation of more shots in arms as the vaccine hesitant come forward to get them and as local and federal governments and corporations begin to mandate vaccination…
• Florida rates of COVID19 are accelerating, hospitalizations and deaths have surpassed previous highest levels, Governor DeSantis doubles down on executive orders that there be no mask and vaccine mandates… large school districts ignoring him… i travel to Florida in a little less than two weeks…
• evacuation of Americans and Afghans proceeding smoothly and unmolested… Pentagon says they can be finished by end of month, president suggests he might extend to Sep 11 if necessary, Taliban suggests they might not be tolerant of that…

… diner with friends last night… managed to avoid having too much wine… delicious dinner of African mint sausage and grapes, with a side of puréed celery root… celery root was especially delicious… felt the sausage was a little overcooked, dried out… company was great…

… Chas began whining at 3 AM… just my luck on a morning i want to sleep in a little…

… today begins back stair reconstruction… going to be hot next few days, but no rain predicted… demolition of existing stairs today… take stock of existing conditions and make final decisions of how to proceed… hopefully i have the right materials in place… if not, i will have to get untreated lumber as i won’t have time to let it dry out at all…

… as i get more organized about my reading, i wonder about organizing it to the point that i might start writing organized and thoroughly edited posts on the rabbit holes i am exploring… that is something that i have never mustered the determination to do… could i even get to the place where i publish a book?…

… do i need to or could carefully considered and edited posts suffice?… i think i am more likely to head in that direction…

… my copy of Bertrand Russell’s Analysis of Matter has arrived… i sloughed my way through it before and during the pandemic… i am contemplating reading it again with extensive note taking…

First Thoughts

… HCR meter at negative… focused on the history of education of black and brown people especially, all people with limited resources generally… it points to how the Republican party has continuously undermined public education to the detriment of minorities and underprivileged, indirectly and directly benefiting the whites and the affluent in general… i believe in public education… i am a product of it… i believe the nation does well more broadly when everyone has access to quality education… i also believe public education unifies the nation in that it instills a more tightly shared set of values and understandings about our history, the structure of our government, the means to conduct civil society… i absolutely reject white supremacy and any kind of elitism based on race or clan or party… “of the people, by the people, for the people,”…

… hurricane Henri is approaching… it doesn’t look like it will be a big deal in the Hudson Valley, but H is on Block Island which looks like it may get a direct hit… it will be at best a category 1 hurricane, capable of doing a lot of damage, but not catastrophic damage… there are likely to be power outages, trees down, some damage to structures… H is likely to loose power and may be out of touch if it lasts long enough for her phone to run out of power… she says they have prepared… not clear if P stayed with them on the island… wondering how M and L will fare in Essex Connecticut?…

… our landscaper came and did more weeding and garden cleanup, it is starting to look civilized out back… i am expecting to complete the carpentry of the paneling in the dining room this weekend, possibly even painting next week… also need to rebuild the back stairs next week… hoping there will be an opportunity later in the week… i figure i need a couple of days… after checking the extended forecast, it looks like Tue, Wed, Thu will be my days… at present, no rain, low humidity, high 80’s low 90’s… a little warmer than i would like but otherwise… after that, rain and humidity return…

… today i will need to secure loose items and generally prepare for the storm… shouldn’t take too long…