Is anyone else struggling to feel right now?
I am. The last seven years have been extraordinarily numbing, a relentless march of spiritually draining events. I can’t remember a more difficult stretch of time in my life. Maybe during the Vietnam war? 1969 was a remarkably bad year. I was young and oblivious back then, I don’t remember thinking or feeling much about it.
For the last seven years I have been witness to the rise of populism and the dispiriting and painful march of Donald Trump to the White House. I have been witness to his even more painful and dispiriting administration. I have been witness to his efforts to steal the election, corrupt every branch of government and then conjure the January 6th riot. I have been witness to the manifest inability of our system of checks and balances to actually check and balance. I continue to witness the growing threat of authoritarianism in my country, even as we rally the world to assist the imperfect Ukrainian Democracy and decry Vladimir Putin, an authoritarian thug. And just now, a commentator on MSNBC raising the spectre of Putin spoiling for a direct confrontation with the United States and then what, nuclear war?
Apparently, nature loves to pile it on thick so lets add in the Pandemic. I have witnessed that human tragedy, lived in fear of my fellow human beings and suffered through the resulting social isolation.
As I watch the events unfold in Ukraine I have been finding it hard to generate much emotion about it.
As I pursue my artwork, I have been finding it hard to get very excited about anything I make.
I am exhausted by the times. I am exhausted by the relentless flow of dispiriting and/or threatening events both at home and abroad. I have little emotion left to expend towards anything.
Or so I thought.
And then, this morning, something remarkable happened. Tears filled my eyes as I read accounts of the incredible bravery of the Ukraines, and how the war was not going as smoothly as Russia had planed (and all our military planners and pundits had expected). As I read about how Ukrainian colors are being projected on buildings and displayed in cities around the world in solidarity; about how concerts everywhere are being opened with the Ukrainian National Anthem; about a Ukrainian boy resolutely playing the piano as the bombs fall; about Ukrainian wives, daughters, mothers, grandmothers making molotov cocktails; about 12 Ukrainian soldiers choosing death over subjugation by telling a Russian war ship to “go fuck yourself!” rather than surrender and live. Yes, tears filled my eyes.
It’s too much to hope that this will be a David and Goliath story. But, something seems to have been awakened. For myself, I realized I had begun to give up hope that authoritarianism’s relentless rise around the world was stoppable and that even in the United States we might not be able to turn it back. Russia’s aggression in Ukraine seemed destined to plunge the world into darkness that would outrun my time on the planet.
Yes, it is perhaps too much to hope that David can slay Goliath here, but the Ukrainians have given me hope even so. Their valor has brought tears to my eyes. Their example tells me yes, we can turn back tyranny. It starts by giving it a bloody nose.
231.8 lbs…
… i have been experiencing huge frustrations in my blog flow… on Block Island, i am limited to my iPhone as a collection/production device and virtually everything is harder and behaves in ways that are downright annoying… i can’t seem to find the right connection flow between Feedbin and Ulysses, for example… or between Feedbin and any other app… everything is glitchy… everything happens in a partial way that isn’t suitable to me…
… add to that the incredibly useless internet connection we have out here and my frustration is at a maximum…
… i can’t wait until we get home…
… i don’t hate Block Island… there is lots to love about it… but over the course of two weeks the ways in which being here frustrate me begin to wear my patience thin…
… the war in Ukraine proceeds… H is worried it will lead to nuclear war… i am not so worried about that at the moment… what i worry about is that the rise in oil prices and the further stress the conflict and our reaction to it will put on the world production and supply system will come together with already strong authoritarian impulses to bring about the election of a Trumpian president if not Trump himself… it would be a disaster for the world as i and H know it…
… rain and sleet overnight… a winter storm, that on BI, sounds worse that it really is… back in Beacon, it looks like something approaching a foot of snow and then a little icing on top of it…
… i have put together a nice set of wind swept beach and stone photographs… i have a lot of work to draw from for this week’s photo poem…
20220225-02
… if Donald Trump continues to be enabled by the Republican party, Republican voters, and America’s conservative propaganda machines, then we may very well be led once again by this man, giving him the chance to follow through on his promise to break-up the NATO alliance and put a stake through the heart of our democracy once and for all.
… my wife is concerned about the possibility of nuclear war… i am more concerned about the above… i feel we are heading into a perfect storm of voters preferring a Trumpian alternative to the present administration…
20220225-01
230.2 lbs…
… weight gain not a surprise… little exercise yesterday due to rain and intense wind… pasta for dinner… wine for dinner… a precipitous drop from the day before yesterday indicating a water weight shift… still… the broad trend is down…
… the drums of war beat louder… Biden has indicated that he believes Putin has decided to invade Ukraine and will target Kiev… we plunge into the unknown…
… 45 keeps loosing in court…
… John Durham walks a court filing back just a smidge…
… Dinner with M and PW last night… made Bucatini all’ Amatriciana last night… served with an arugula, red onion and orange bell pepper salad… i put a little too much red onion in which also didn’t seem to get less sharp from soaking in cold water…
… PW saying they didn’t understand what Putin gains from a Ukraine invasion… invading and subduing a population that doesn’t want you is bound to be messy, even if your force overwhelms in the early days… i couldn’t think of a good answer… i don’t know what he gains other than a confrontation with NATO and much of the free world…
… yesterday morning H, i and the dogs drove around the island experiencing the storm… i stood for a while at the top of the stairs down to Mohegan beach/bluffs… the wind was blowing so hard the stairs were shaking… elemental… i made some pictures and a couple of videos…
… in an effort to be able to produce an image poem for posting on Sunday, i discovered that images can be rearranged in the photo app that comes with the iPhone… from here until we go home, my efforts will be concentrated in that app, possibly beyond… it is certainly how to keep up while traveling…
229.2 lbs…
… and now the dog wants to go out, have his treats… the wind is howling… it is raining… i don’t want to take him out… can i get away with not doing that?… let’s see if he gives up, even though i am pretty sure that he wont…
… HCR depressing today… pointing out how ready the current Republicans are to pursue authoritarianism… Newt Gingrich rearing his ugly head…
… the dog wins…
… dogs walked and treated… wind not as bad as i was imagining it… pretty gusty, but not knock-me-off-my-feet gusty…
… i have so much anxiety about the country i live in and those who care only about power, not democracy… it is horrible to be going through this now, at the latter stages of my life… to think that in a few years time life could be very different… the country could be very different… all, or mostly, because of the white male patriarchy… i begin to sound like a broken record…
… that my weight is down almost two pounds today is pleasing to say the least… a two pound loss over 24 hours is mostly water… still, its the right direction since i stopped drinking and became more careful about what i am eating…
… last night i grilled a pork chop which H and i split and roasted a colorful medley of sweet potato, orange bell pepper, and red onion (which really should be called purple onion) with fresh garlic cloves… should have added some rosemary to it, which i had… next time…
… i slept well last night… up once to the bathroom… slept seven hours total which is on the max side for me…
231.4 lbs…
… up slightly… was hoping for a little loss, more walking, no alcohol… water weight?…
… the wind was borderline howling last night… supposed to have high winds today, gusts up to 65 miles an hour… knock you off your feet wind… will have to hunker down…
… internet is more spotty than usual… it’s never very good out here… the worst thing about being here…
… i am sitting here looking at an RBG mug M bought for H… i think, damn woman, why didn’t you retire during the Obama admin?… even you regretted that one…
… HCR a bit of a mishmash this morning… about the Canadian truckers… about the Durham investigation… about the right wing echo chamber… about tragic misinformation…
… i am sitting here, trying to think of something non-trivial to write about… nothing comes to mind… just the mundane shit that most of life is composed of… what is wisdom or profundity in a world of mundane shit?…
… i partially worked out my photography workflow for editing a set of images into an image poem… i am presently lacking the ability to reorder the photographs on Lightroom in the phone… an internet search is not helpful… i will figure this one out… need to do some research… maybe there is an app for that…
20220217-01
231.0 lbs
Up at 3:40 AM… pleasantly surprised by my weight… hadn’t been on the scale in a few days, hadn’t been particularly abstemious in what i ate, hadn’t been able to walk much, so was expecting to have gained a bit… instead i lost a bit…
… made a really nice turnip risotto last night… however, bought bacon to put in it and then forgot to… H and i agreed that bacon would have been a great addition… so, i have more turnips and i have bacon, we will revisit the recipe later in the week…
… one interesting thing about the recipe, it was meant to avoid having to stand at the stove and stir for half an hour, instead, using less water and adding an egg yolk at the end for faux creaminess… i thought to myself, what is the point of that? standing and stirring just isn’t that hard… i did it the traditional way, sans egg yolk and faux creaminess…
… as i sit here typing, Rubie cat is lying at my feet, kind of the way a dog might, which Rubie thinks he is… he was also lying on the top step outside our bedroom door when i came out this morning… he seems to crave our company and wishes he could be in the bedroom with us… dogs don’t generally permit it though… they chase him off immediately…
… full moon getting ready to set in the west… which makes me think of the series “For All Mankind”… i am not 100% on board with the conceit of the series, which is that the Russians won the race to the moon and that there ensued a much more lively moon exploration and colonization program with astronauts coming and going at regular intervals and a moon base that supports tens of individuals rotating to work on the moon… what is very good about the show is the exploration and depiction of the interactions of humans under normal and not so normal life stress conditions… very well written and acted… in particular, they seem to have grief and reaction to trauma down in a very realistic way…
… the routines are settling back in place, albeit their Block Island place… the dogs can’t just be let out the back door, they have to be leashed and taken out… i have to work on my iPhone, rather than my desktop computer… everything being done on the iPhone… the challenge will be when i attempt to produce a long form post (less difficult) and an image poem (more difficult) this weekend…
… H has started their bread baking operation again… they are doing sourdough without their stand mixer and proofing box… more rustic, requiring more intuitive skill… it looks like it is going well… i will need to clean out the cast iron combo cooker before i leave for my walk as they will want to use it while i am out walking…
… tried to walk on Dickens Farm Preserve yesterday morning but a sign indicated that this week, during the week, hunting is allowed… i didn’t hear any shooting but one does not tempt fate, even with blazing bright orange on their bodies, which i did not have… so, i will be contained to beach, roads and downtown this week and save the nature preserves for next week…
… J has booked tickets to Florida in early June so that C does not have to be alone for their birthday and anniversary… that’s a good thing though i get concerned with what they might talk C in to our out of while they are there… J has nothing but good intentions but she can be intense…
20220216-01
… it seems it is the mundane crimes that will get you in the end…
Trump Really Could be Prosecuted for Destroying Documents
20220216-02
… we got to Block Island… trip was very easy… no traffic and, for the most part, no treacherous conditions… BI was on the higher side of the snow amounts… i don’t think i have ever been out here when there was snow… the dogs are beside themselves with the smells… it appears there is animal activity everywhere… or maybe something about the cold and snow concentrates the smells… whatever it is it makes them hard and almost pointless to walk… they are so distracted they don’t do their business quickly and it is cold and windy and the snow makes it hard to walk easily… argh… i miss having a backyard to let them out into already…
… the Boeuf Bourguignon was easy to reheat, as promised by the recipe, delicious and went over well… M & P like it a lot… they also like the Haikon chocolates… hard to believe we have a world class chocolatier in Beacon, but we do… an interesting fellow… he seems to have a very good memory… i am an infrequent visitor to the store but he has remembered me ever since our first meeting and knows i take pictures…
… it’s a small struggle to transition to being here… to re-establish routines in similar or altered patterns… i am hoping i can get the dogs to wait to come down until the sun starts coming up… the animals were a little restless this AM… Fiona pacing the room, Rubie meowing at the door at 3:00 AM… i was done for… that plus we sleep in a queen size bed out here… not enough room for us and the dogs… thankfully, there is a comfy lounge chair that one of the dogs can occupy…
… i must say, i am not looking forward to the morning walk… it is cold and there is a stiff wind… i can here it now, almost howling through the trees and around the house… oh god, the dogs want to get up… up, walked and treated… it went better than expected… both dogs peeing right away…
… as for the morning walk, i will do it because that is what i do… might have to be a shorter walk… that is the hard part of deep winter… can’t get my long walks in all the time…
20220216-01
…after two days of prep for a winter vacation on Block Island… winter intervened with an “overperforming” snow storm… we are in a holding pattern…
… in light of my earlier post on Francis Bacon and Bill Cosby…
The Dilemma of Brilliant Jerks, David Shaywitz, The Bulwark…
Perhaps, with the appropriate refinements, we can create the space for a new category of equally effective—and ideally, even more effective—transformative leader to emerge; this is the dream and what I’d wish for myself, my colleagues, my family.
But it’s also possible that, in our eagerness to minimize offense, we will instead condemn ourselves to anodyne leaders incapable of profoundly challenging the status quo. Worse still, such organizational stasis might even pave the way for a disruptive, malignant narcissist eager to step into the breach.
… i will set aside for the moment a question about whether the current ever growth goal of capitalism is a good thing, it is another interesting example of how genius walks hand in hand with darkness… is it possible or even desirable to have great creators that are as pure as the driven snow?…
20220213-06
The Beastliness of Bacon, Michael Glover, Hyperallergic
Francis Bacon, “Man with Dog” (1953), oil on canvas, 152 x 117 cm. Collection Albright-Knox Art Gallery, Buffalo, New York. Gift of Seymour H. Knox, Jr., 1955. K1955:3 (© The Estate of Francis Bacon. All rights reserved, DACS/Artimage 2021. Photo by Prudence Cuming Associates Ltd)
… i had intended to share an image of a later work that seemed more visually compelling, but then i looked at Man with Dog and… after a moment… um, wow!… something really dark about the painting as, apparently, there was with Bacon himself…
… the idea that darkness of the soul is a frequent walking companion of genius is one that came up a day or two ago as H and i watched a news segment on the four part mini series We Need to Talk About Cosby, in which…
Writer/director W. Kamau Bell’s exploration of Bill Cosby’s descent from “America’s Dad” to alleged sexual predator. Comedians, journalists and survivors have a candid, first of its kind conversation about the man, his career and crimes.
… when a great creator turns out to have a parallel self that is a horrible self, what do we do with the creative legacy?… in Bacon’s case there were “sadomasochistic excesses” though there was no suggestion in the article that any of it was non-consensual… still, by most of our standards, there were demons in his psyche and those demons flowed out onto the canvas… psyche and creative output walked hand in hand… in the case of the alleged sex crimes of Cosby, one has the sense that psyche and creative are split, with the dark self a presence lurking outside a comfortable suburban home, peeping through windows, stalking its next victim…
20220213-03
February 12, 2022, Heather Cox Richardson
… about Abraham Lincoln and his leadership during a trying period for democracy in this country… in particular, she shares the cogent argument that Lincoln makes against the idea that there are intellectually and morally superior individuals who should command and organize life for everyone else… that there is ever good cause for some people to be masters and some people to be slaves, however you define slave…
In the 1850s, on a fragment of paper, Lincoln figured out the logic of a world that permitted the law to sort people into different places in a hierarchy, applying the reasoning he heard around him. “If A. can prove, however conclusively, that he may, of right, enslave B.—why may not B. snatch the same argument, and prove equally, that he may enslave A?” Lincoln wrote. “You say A. is white, and B. is black. It is color, then; the lighter, having the right to enslave the darker? Take care. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with a fairer skin than your own. You do not mean color exactly?—You mean the whites are intellectually the superiors of the blacks, and, therefore have the right to enslave them? Take care again. By this rule, you are to be slave to the first man you meet, with an intellect superior to your own. But, say you, it is a question of interest; and, if you can make it your interest, you have the right to enslave another. Very well. And if he can make it his interest, he has the right to enslave you.”
20220213-02