Notes On Attention Paid

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The Diaries of Denton Welch

… been a few days since i have had time to read the diaries… when i left off, DW’s relationship with Eric is in the infatuation stage… he seems so young, he is in his 20’s, but he seems almost childlike in his racing about the countryside on his bicycle… he mentions something called a ha-ha… i look it up… a wall set in a ditch so as not to interrupt the vista…

… DW and E spent part of their lives in close proximity without meeting… it reminds me of H and i… we spent our teenage years in towns separated by a few miles… frequented some of the same spots… possibly were in those spots at the same time… but we were not to meet one another until much later… i too wish we had met earlier… would we have even liked each other?… i was immature for my age for a long time…

… E has been away but then comes home… they are reunited and the world closes in around their new relationship bliss…

… DW describes a watch he is given by a friend on his birthday… i remember a watch i was given or encouraged to buy by M, back in the day… i don’t remember if a birthday was involved…

It is happiness to have things liked, but when I’m ill as I was on Wednesday and other days lately everything pales to nothing and I want to die more than anything on earth.

I think all I can do is keep my work going as long as I can. And if I can no longer, then will I die.

… this is the primal condition for most of us… as long as we work, have something meaningful to do, are able to do it… we live… when we can’t, we proceed to the departure lounge… i keep thinking that before i get to that lounge i want to have understood what life is all about… i want it’s profound truth(s) to have been revealed to me… i have been earnest for so long… i feel life owes me that… but of course… it doesn’t…

… enough DW for this morning…