Notes On Attention Paid

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Notations

… large black pickup truck waiting at the light… country music… muffler disabled… jacked up chassis… truck bed filled with tires…

… grizzled old man in watch cap, cigarette dangling from mouth, peddling a bicycle, sidewalk too narrow, i step aside, as he passes i think he belongs in a back alley bar of a seaport town…

… i pass Mr. and Mrs. Clause out for their morning constitutional… i have been passing them on my walks for years… i don’t know their names, but he especially looks like Santa Clause and she makes a suitable Mrs. Clause…

… i am walking out 52.. in the summer, walking this direction puts the sun in my eyes so i don’t… now, the sunrise has moved south and cuts perpendicularly across the road, making photographs and seeing easier…

The sort of truck that was filled with tires and had no muffler

… the sort of truck that was filled with tires and had no muffler…

… sitting in Trax coffee shop now… people coming and going in ones or twos for coffee to go… i am the only one staying… this is the least populated in the morning coffee shop on any of my routes so i favor it… still COVID shy even though vaccinated and boostered…

… feeling pretty good this morning… only two beers last night… went to bed a little before 9, fell asleep quickly, slept till a little before 4 AM… i feel rested…


… back home… breakfast finished… breakfast chat with H demoralizing… me telling H it’s a beautiful day, i am in a good mood, everyone i encountered was in a good mood, happy… why not?… sunny, warm, beautiful fall day… H says how frustrated they are… they never get what they want… they have no control over their life… they can’t get into a car and just drive somewhere (they don’t drive, would probably be a danger to self and others if they did)… they can’t spend their money the way they want, etc. etc. etc… they pull back on the last one, modify it to soften it but the damage is done… they are the bread winner, have been for large parts of our partnership… i become a casualty of their angry frustration… my good mood destroyed… could they not stand my good mood while they wallow in misery?… in retrospect, it seems deliberate even if subconscious… are they really that angry with me?… i give and give and give to them in all the ways i am able, it is never enough…

… i retreat to my studio, close the door, put on my headphones and start writing… i am churning with anger and despair now… WTF?!… i am busted… i had hoped for productive preparation for tonight’s Salon… was actually looking forward to putting something together… i will do best i can…


… later now… H in a better mood… they had tea with a friend and went for a walk with Chas… i don’t think they know how i was affected by them this morning… they did take my advice to get out for a walk, even if a short one…

… i did manage to pull some work together for presentation… not quite what i was imagining but i am suspended between working in color and working in black and white… being immediate to the blog dictates, for now, color… black and white is where my creative heart lies…